The Spacetastic Adventures of Mr. Space and Captain Galaxy: Season Two Read online

  “Hmm,” said Sparky, stroking his metallic chin. “There doesn't seem to be anything wrong with this David Columbus man at all. He seems to have suffered oxygen deprivation, but even then, the monitors suggest that he is not going to suffer any long-term consequences from the deprivation.”

  “He sure looks familiar,” said Space. He looked at Galaxy. “Have you seen him before, Galaxy?”

  Galaxy scratched the back of her head. “I don't think so, but I agree that he seems extremely familiar. Like he's some kind of celebrity, which is odd, because I generally don't pay attention to celebrities at all.”

  Space jumped off the bed. “I should go and get my copies of Celebrity Secrets Shamelessly Revealed. Maybe he's a famous holofilm actor who will give me—er, I mean us, of course—a role in his next major holofilm!”

  Space was about to run off before Galaxy grabbed his arm and said, in the sternest voice she could muster, “No. That magazine is trash and you know it.”

  “But how would you know if it's trash if you've never even read it?” asked Space, struggling to get Galaxy to let go of his arm, although she didn't budge at all. “Besides, I don't need to actually go to my room to get the zines, you know. I can get them right here and now.”

  Before Galaxy could ask him how he intended to do that, Space snapped his fingers and a hole in the ceiling slid open directly above them. A second later, a thumb drive fell out of the hole and into Space's open hand, which he immediately connected to his com-watch's conversion port.

  Galaxy looked up at the hole in the ceiling of the sickbay just as it was covered again by the tile that had been hiding it earlier. “Where did that come from?”

  “Mr. Space asked me to help install a chute connecting his room to the sickbay in the event that he needed his thumb drive containing all one-hundred and thirty-eight point six issues of Celebrity Secrets Shamelessly Revealed in this sort of situation,” Sparky said. “It was difficult to install it without you noticing, but—”

  “Are you telling me that you modified my ship without my permission?” Galaxy said, her tone rising and her hands on her hips. “Are you also going to tell me why I shouldn't punt you two out of the Adventure's airlock for modifying my ship without my permission? How the hell did you even do that without me noticing?”

  “It was three months ago, when you went to the Annulus to sell some of those rocks on Magna Five that you and Mr. Space retrieved,” Sparky said. “While you were down there, Mr. Space came up to me and said, and I quote, 'Hey, Sparky, I have a GREAT idea,' and then I said—”

  Sparky's story—which was already causing Galaxy's blood pressure to rise higher than was healthy for her—was interrupted by a dramatic cry from the second bed, where David Columbus lay. All three of the explorers looked at David, who was now tossing and turning like he was having the worst nightmare of his life.

  Without warning, David's eyes flew open and he immediately grabbed the scanner, which had been directly above his head. That in itself was neither shocking nor odd. It was only when he ripped the scanner off its hinges, sending sparks flying, and threw it onto the floor that Galaxy had to pull out her light-gun and aim it at him.

  Galaxy expected David to jump off the bed and start attacking them, but instead he sat up and looked around in confusion. The scanner's wiring hanging from the ceiling above him was still sparking, but David barely paid any attention to that. Instead, he was looking around the room as if he thought he was surrounded by his worst enemies.

  “Where … where am I?” said David, his voice even more dramatic than it had been back in the bridge. “What is this place? Have I been kidnapped by the government in their attempt to keep my amazing scientific brain from revealing my universe-shattering discoveries to the public?”

  Then David looked over at Space, Galaxy, and Sparky. His eyes—which were as blue as his ID card had said they were—stared at them with such intensity that even Galaxy found it hard to keep aiming her gun at him, although once again something in his demeanor felt familiar to her.

  “Are you government agents?” said David. He jumped off the bed and assumed a cheesy karate pose. “If you are, then I will fight you to the death here and now and then commandeer your ship, which I will use to resume my mission to fight for science wherever I go.”

  “Hold on,” said Space, holding up his hands. “Uh, David—”

  David's eyes grew as wide as saucers. “How do you know my real name? I have never shared my real name with anyone, especially with government agents like yourselves.”

  “We're not from the government,” said Galaxy. She drew David's ID card out of her breast pocket and held it up for him to see. “We found your ID card on your body. It has your name, age, date of birth, height, weight, and so on.”

  “Ah, yes,” said David, who looked a little bit more relaxed now, though he didn't drop his karate pose. “I remember. Yes, I do have an ID card. But I am surprised that you know about them. After all, I only discovered the technology behind ID cards recently myself after several months of research and experimentation in the field.”

  “Every citizen of the Universal Alliance has an ID card,” said Sparky. “Actually, every citizen usually has at least two. One ID card proving their UA citizenship and one proving their citizenship of whatever planet they hail from. Inhabitants of the space habitat known as the Annulus have a third, which proves their citizenship on the Annulus.”

  “Truly?” said David. He frowned. “Damn it. It appears that my rival must have already stolen and leaked my research to the Universal Alliance. It is amazing how quickly this knowledge spreads, much like a venereal disease.”

  “Actually, Mr. Columbus, ID cards in their current form have been in use for almost fifty years now,” said Sparky. “And on some planets, the technology is even older than that; for example, Earth has been issuing ID cards to its citizens ever since the Dawn of Space Exploration began nearly four centuries ago, when Earth made first contact with Namox.”

  David's eyes widened again. He even staggered back, like Sparky had punched him in the face. “Oh no. This is even worse news than I feared. Do you know what that means?”

  “Um, no?” said Galaxy, trading confused looks with Space. “We don't?”

  “It means that my rival has somehow perfected time travel and went back in time to the Dawn of Space Exploration to implement my research well before I was even born,” said David. He shook his fist at the ceiling. “Damn you, Professor Plagiarist! One of these days, I will stop you and your diabolical theft of my intellectual property! One day, the truth will come out and you will be exposed for the fraud, liar, and thief that you are!”

  There was no 'Professor Plagiarist' in the Adventure (or anywhere in the known universe, to Galaxy's knowledge), but David apparently did not know or care about that. He just began muttering under his breath about how this was the fifteenth time the Professor has done something like this and exactly what he was going to do the next time he saw the Professor.

  But then something clicked in Galaxy's mind. Professor Plagiarist … Professor Plagiaras?

  Suddenly, Galaxy knew exactly who the man standing before them was. He looked a little different—he lacked the white lab coat, for one—but beyond that, he looked exactly the same as Galaxy had seen him last.

  “Oh my god,” said Galaxy under her breath. “Not this idiot.”

  Space and Sparky looked at Galaxy in confusion.

  “Who?” said Space. He pointed at himself. “Me?”

  “No, not you,” said Galaxy, shaking her head. She leaned closer to Space and Sparky, making sure that David could not hear her. She nodded at David. “Him.”

  “Him?” said Space, his eyes flicking toward David. “You know him?”

  “Know of him,” said Galaxy with an annoyed sigh. “He's—”

  “You three!” said David, pointing at them as dramatically as if they were in a holofilm. “I must ask that you return my ID card to me and do not share any details
of my true identity with anyone. Because if you do, that will make it so much easier for the government to put an end to my noble crusade to bring my shocking scientific discoveries to the public.”

  “Uh, okay,” said Space. “I guess we should return your card to you, David, since it does belong to you.”

  “Don't call me 'David,' especially not in public,” said David, shaking his head. “I do not want anyone knowing my real name. It is too dangerous.”

  “Then what should we call you?” said Space, tilting his head to the side. “Mr. Columbus?”

  David put one fist over his heart and stared straight ahead as if he was prepared to make the greatest speech in the history of the universe. That's how Galaxy knew exactly what he was going to say before he said it.

  “Doctor Discovery,” said David, in the most needlessly dramatic tone that Galaxy had ever heard anyone speak in before. “Man of Science.”

  Galaxy groaned, while Space said, “Doctor Discovery? Are you some kind of superhero or something?”

  “No,” said David, shaking his head. “I am the greatest scientific mind of my generation. It is I who question the consensus, who dares to go where other scientists do not, often alone and against the great governmental conspiracies that try to sabotage my experiments.”

  “Wow,” said Space, who sounded—much to Galaxy's horror—as if he actually believed what Doctor Discovery was saying. “I did not know that.”

  Doctor Discovery folded his arms over his chest and said, “Well, now you do. I wage a never-ending battle against governmental conspiracies and the scientific ignorance of the general public, because there are many individuals who want to put an end to my iconoclastic tendencies and few of them wish to do it politely.”

  “Hey, Doctor Discovery?” said Galaxy, before Space could encourage him to keep going on. “Can you let me and my friends here talk a little bit in private? Just for a moment.”

  “Very well, woman,” said Doctor Discovery, nodding. “But only for a moment, because I still have questions of my own to ask you about yourselves.”

  Galaxy, smiling politely, nodded and gestured for Space and Sparky to follow her. The three of them walked over to the room's exit, away from Doctor Discovery, who had now lapsed into muttering rapidly under his breath about something Galaxy couldn't hear.

  Huddling with Space and Sparky, Galaxy said, “Do either of you believe a word of what that idiot said?”

  Space, without really looking at Galaxy's eyes, said, “Well—”

  “No,” said Sparky, shaking his head. “I don't. He seems like a very dramatic man, like he just walked out of those space flick holofilms.”

  “Oh, if only he was a holofilm character,” said Galaxy, rubbing her forehead in exasperation, “then it would be a lot easier to ignore him.”

  “What do you mean, Galaxy?” said Space, glancing at Doctor Discovery. “How do you know of him?”

  “He's an anomaly and a joke in the scientific community,” said Galaxy. “Up until now, no one knew his real name or identity, but that's irrelevant. What makes everyone think of him as a joke are his 'scientific' claims.”

  “What scientific claims?” asked Space.

  “Remember how he claimed to have invented ID card tech?” asked Galaxy. “And how he claimed that his rival, 'Professor Plagiarist,' had stolen his discovery, went back in time, and sold it to the Earth government?”

  “Yeah,” said Space, nodding. “I thought that sounded kind of weird, because no one has been able to perfect time travel yet, but—”

  “Exactly,” said Galaxy. She gestured with her head at Doctor Discovery. “He thinks he's some kind of scientific maverick, but all he does is make discoveries that scientists have known for years—and in some cases, centuries—and pretends like they're shocking new discoveries that the government or the scientific community or whoever he's blaming this week are hiding from the public for reasons he's never really explained.”

  “Oh,” said Space. “That's odd.”

  “Very,” said Galaxy. “For example, he first came into prominence by claiming to have discovered that the Earth is not in fact actually flat and that it is round. He claimed that this was the most earth-shattering fact—yes, he used the word earth-shattering as a pun—to describe his 'discovery.'”

  “Didn't anyone tell him that literally everyone in the universe already knows that?” said Space.

  “A lot scientists tried, but he just wouldn't listen,” said Galaxy, shaking her head. “It didn't help that the Flat Earth Society came out and claimed he was lying. It was probably the stupidest controversy to hit the scientific community since, well, even I can't remember the last one that was that stupid, and it was also how Doctor Discovery got into the public eye, because the Flat Earth Society actually hired a Black Star assassin to take him down for stating a very simple, obvious fact that everyone knows.”

  “Now that you mention it, I do seem to recall hearing about a man evading assassination by the Flat Earth Society a few years back,” said Space, stroking his chin in thought. “But I didn't know that it was Doctor Discovery, of all people.”

  “It was him,” said Galaxy, without any enthusiasm in her voice. “He wasn't killed because the Black Stars realized how stupid the job was and recalled the assassin hired to get him. Their leader, Black Nova, even wrote them an open letter castigating them for their idiocy. Ever since then, Doctor Discovery has believed that everyone is out to get him, from the general scientific community to the highest offices of the Universal Alliance itself.”

  “But why does Doctor Discovery act this way?” asked Sparky, who sounded genuinely confused. “The entirety of the Universal Alliance's scientific knowledge and discoveries are all available on the Internet for everyone to access and read for themselves. This kind of ignorance seems impossible in our time.”

  “No one really knows why he thinks and acts the way he does,” said Galaxy. She lowered her voice even further. “Some say he's a conman trying to cause controversy to get famous and make a lot of money, other people say he's suffering from some kind of mental illness that affects his thinking. My theory is that he's an idiot.”

  “So he's an enigma,” said Space. “But how does he explain away all of the obvious scientific advancements that everyone already knows about?”

  “Consider his time traveler story,” said Galaxy. “That's essentially how he explains away every 'earth-shattering' discovery he makes is already known by everyone in the universe. He seems to think that time travel, which is impossible, is a much more believable explanation for his ignorance of well-known scientific facts than the other one, which is that he's an idiot who is behind on the times.”

  “But who is Professor Plagiarist?” asked Sparky. “I have never heard of him before.”

  “That's Doctor Discovery mispronouncing Professor Plagiaras,” said Galaxy. “He's a scientist from Zaron who runs a really good blog where he regularly ridicules Doctor Discovery's fake discoveries. Doctor Discovery thinks that Plagiaras holds some kind of strange grudge against him, even though the two have never actually met in real life before.”

  “Oh,” said Space. “So he's basically crazy, is what you're saying.”

  “Stupid, really, more than crazy,” said Galaxy. “But yes, you shouldn't believe a single word that comes out of his mouth about anything. He's come up with this great narrative that he's a scientific maverick fighting the Man, but he's not even half a maverick. There's actually a documentary about him coming out next year, which is supposed to chronicle his stupidity from his first appearance in the public eye to today.”

  “Then what should we do about him?” asked Sparky. “Send him on his way?”

  “We find out why he was out here in the middle of space and maybe repair his ship if the damages aren't too extensive or time-consuming,” said Galaxy. “Then we send him on his way and deny we ever met him to anyone who asks us.”

  “Okay,” said Space. “Let's do it, then.”


  The three broke their huddle and walked back over to Doctor Discovery, who was still muttering rapidly under his breath. Galaxy caught 'Professor Plagiarist' and 'everyone is out to get me' before he looked up at them with a startled expression, like he hadn't heard them approaching him at all.

  “By the way,” said Doctor Discover, before any of them could speak, “you did not introduce yourselves to me. What are your names?”

  “My name is Helena Galaxy,” said Galaxy. She pointed at Space. “His name is Jason Space and our robot here is named Sparky.”

  “Call us Mr. Space and Captain Galaxy,” said Space. “And you can just call Sparky, well, Sparky. He doesn't have a cool title like we do, though I've been saying we should get him one for years.”

  “What strange names you three have,” said Doctor Discovery, stroking his chin. “Very strange. How do I know they are real and not aliases?”

  Both Galaxy and Space held up their ID cards with their names written on them, causing Doctor Discovery to nod and say, “Ah, yes. Now I see. Still strange names, though.”

  Says the guy who calls himself 'Doctor Discovery,' Galaxy thought, before saying aloud, “So, Doctor Discovery, how did you end up floating out here in the middle of space on a damaged starship?”

  Doctor Discovery suddenly looked around and then asked, in a low voice, “Captain Galaxy, how secure is this starship's security systems?”

  “What do you mean?” said Galaxy.

  “I mean, how likely is it that someone—perhaps one of my mortal enemies—is listening in on our conversation at this very moment?” asked Doctor Discovery.

  “Unlikely,” said Galaxy, after sharing a brief, confused look with Space. “Why?”

  “Good,” said Doctor Discovery. “And what about my ship, the Anagnorisis? Is it safe as well?”

  “It's connected to ours and hasn't floated away into the depths of space, so yes, it is,” said Galaxy. “Why? Is there something on it that you need?”